Conversations, Dogs, House, Life, Stories

Just Call Me Goldie

I went to bed early last night. I’ve had a long week. But, my other half (Sam) wanted to go out. I gathered up all the dogs, put them in my room, and fell asleep in a pile of medicinal puppies. When I woke up, I was hot, and there were four lumps all rolled up in my covers instead of three. That’s when I realized Sam was in my bed, too. Nori is like the opposite of a Gremlin. She is sweet and loving at night and a complete terror in the morning. She woke me up super early chewing on my hands. So, I walked downstairs leaving the other three in bed. Sam heard me sneak out of the room and stumbled down the stairs behind me. When we reached the last three steps, we noticed things were totally out-of-place. Knowing Sam so well, it truly only took me a moment to retrace her steps the night before.

The front door was wide open. Like totally unlocked and OPEN. There was a full can of beer sitting on the last step. Outside, there was another full can of beer sitting on the porch, along with a broken cigarette. I found a towel strewn across the chair, and several other strange items out-of-place, including a picture that was hung sideways on the wall. She must have come home late last night after a few drinks, and decided to have another beer. She took the beer outside, broke her cigarette, and walked back inside to find another one. I can’t figure out why the towel was thrown over the chair or why the picture frame was turned sideways. But, I assume she forgot her beer was outside, walked into the kitchen, and brought another one to the living room. For whatever reason, she left it on the bottom step, came upstairs (I assume to look for another cigarette in my bag), and thought better of it. So, she climbed into my bed to fall asleep with a pile of medicinal puppies beside me.

When she saw all these things out-of-place, she was like, “What the hell happened?” So, I explained my theory about the night before. To which she replied, “Why would I have thrown a towel over the chair and left beer everywhere? I didn’t do this.” Her theory was, an intruder came into our house, took a shower, took her beer out of the fridge, broke her cigarette, and left the remnants of her break in all over the house. I was like, “Dude, I’m just going to call you Goldilocks from now on.” To which she loudly exclaimed, “DUDE! Can you AT LEAST call me PAPA BEAR!!!???”

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Family, House, Ladies, Life, Love Life

Cousins Seeking Cousins

Personal Ad: See bullets below, along with full description at the bottom.Stoop pic

  • Must be platonic soul mates
  • No Linkin Park, Dave Mathews Band, or Nickelback fans
  • Must love Strangers with Candy, Reno 911, Parks and Rec, and the ID channel
  • Must be willing and able to watch movies involving demonic possession, demonic exorcism, or just demons as a collective.
  • Should not, however, love Satan.
  • We love going to shows, but we love staying home more.
  • Sex? Yes, please! Never together though. We are like sisters. And, no, we don’t share partners.
  • Must enjoy listening to long crazy stories—often involving multiple alter egos.
  • Trump supporters swipe left.
  • Walkie talkies are a preferred method of communication.
  • Patience is essential, along with effective communication skills and a love of dogs.
  • Must be able to handle severe anxiety…from both of us. Even medicated.
  • Must love our cousins and their kids—all 500 of them. (See cousins below)

For further clarification, we have written one another’s personal ad, below:

Kristina:

Tina will match best with a go-with-the-flow kind of lady. Patience is key. She likes funny, confident, smart, affectionate, attractive women. But who doesn’t? If you cannot stand to arrive a few minutes late, this is not the relationship for you. Do you like to spend endless hours laughing on the couch? Well, that’s exactly what you will get. Come over hungry. She’s Greek, so she must feed you! She plays the drums and spent a lot of time touring, so you will be subjected to several band videos. When she has a bad day, she likes to visit the local dog shelter and cover herself in medicinal puppies. If you want to win her heart, tell her that her hair looks amazing and her arm muscles are sexy. Tina is my person, my best friend, and closest confidante. She is the Dorothy to my Sophia. We are super close, so you must be confident enough that you aren’t threatened by our relationship. Insecure women need not apply.

Sam:

Sam’s perfect match will understand and embrace her love of all things Harry Potter. If you haven’t watched all eight movies, she will be thrilled to have a movie marathon. She likes other kinds of marathons, too. But, not the running kind—if you catch my drift. Although, she is open to new experiences. The right woman should be fully prepared to dance in the front row when Sam’s band plays a live show. If you have poor taste in music, she will help refine it. But, don’t ever try to take control of the radio. The right woman should consider buying me a nice gift; nothing fancy, just something to show her how much you like me. Never ever ask her to do the Carlton. I can ask her to do it; you cannot. Come prepared with innovative theories about Game of Thrones. Having read the books is a major plus. Strong women with a feminine exterior are essential—rouge and lipstick will totally do the trick. If you want her sexy summer fade between your legs, compliment her hair often. Please hurry, I’m pretty sure she stole my soul, and I really want it back.

Stella-and-Dorothy-High-Five-in-The-Golden-Girls
“So…what did you text her back? DUDE, NO WAY! That’s fucking awesome”