Conversations, Dogs, House, Life, Stories

Just Call Me Goldie

I went to bed early last night. I’ve had a long week. But, my other half (Sam) wanted to go out. I gathered up all the dogs, put them in my room, and fell asleep in a pile of medicinal puppies. When I woke up, I was hot, and there were four lumps all rolled up in my covers instead of three. That’s when I realized Sam was in my bed, too. Nori is like the opposite of a Gremlin. She is sweet and loving at night and a complete terror in the morning. She woke me up super early chewing on my hands. So, I walked downstairs leaving the other three in bed. Sam heard me sneak out of the room and stumbled down the stairs behind me. When we reached the last three steps, we noticed things were totally out-of-place. Knowing Sam so well, it truly only took me a moment to retrace her steps the night before.

The front door was wide open. Like totally unlocked and OPEN. There was a full can of beer sitting on the last step. Outside, there was another full can of beer sitting on the porch, along with a broken cigarette. I found a towel strewn across the chair, and several other strange items out-of-place, including a picture that was hung sideways on the wall. She must have come home late last night after a few drinks, and decided to have another beer. She took the beer outside, broke her cigarette, and walked back inside to find another one. I can’t figure out why the towel was thrown over the chair or why the picture frame was turned sideways. But, I assume she forgot her beer was outside, walked into the kitchen, and brought another one to the living room. For whatever reason, she left it on the bottom step, came upstairs (I assume to look for another cigarette in my bag), and thought better of it. So, she climbed into my bed to fall asleep with a pile of medicinal puppies beside me.

When she saw all these things out-of-place, she was like, “What the hell happened?” So, I explained my theory about the night before. To which she replied, “Why would I have thrown a towel over the chair and left beer everywhere? I didn’t do this.” Her theory was, an intruder came into our house, took a shower, took her beer out of the fridge, broke her cigarette, and left the remnants of her break in all over the house. I was like, “Dude, I’m just going to call you Goldilocks from now on.” To which she loudly exclaimed, “DUDE! Can you AT LEAST call me PAPA BEAR!!!???”

Conversations, House, Life

Reunited And It Feels So Good

Things I will have to get used to when living with Tina again:

1.) Wearing safety goggles to mask the thick layer of hairspray from my eyes.

2.) Tina’s constant wardrobe changes:

“Sam do you like this one better or this one?”

“Tina they’re the exact same color.”

“Perhaps to the untrained eye! Look a little closer–one is blue/green and the other is green/blue.”

“Damnit Tina we’re just going to bed.”

3.) Having to map out our house before every party so Tina can decide where everyone is going to sleep.

4.) Putting a protective layer over all electronic equipment. I already know my laptop will end up covered in miso soup.

5.) Having to wake up in the middle of the night because Tina decided it was the perfect time to paint a mural on MY WALL.

“Sam, is this light bothering you? Oh sorry I dripped paint on your hair.”

“Tina are you painting the ceiling?”

“Oh yea I thought I would replicate the Sistine┬áChapel for you. Like Leonardo.”

“Tina….Wrong ninja turtle.”

6.) Having to convince Tina there are no demons living in our house. But to be fair, she has to convince me the government isn’t spying on us with satellites, either.

7.) Regular sobbing sessions over anything and everything that reminds us of our Mom-mom.

8.) Having to use Lush toothy tabs that taste like absolute shit because she insists the other stuff will rot my teeth. Thanks, Lindsey.

9.) Talking Tina off the ledge once she’s found the cutest most abused animal in the whole wide world and wants to bring it in the house.

“No I will not play radio roulette with you. We all know how that shit ends. And, I can hear the baby bat flapping around inside your bedroom. I left you a list of bat sanctuaries. Guess you’ll be late for work today.”

10.) Living with someone who can talk me into virtually anything-regardless of my self-respect and well-being. But, hey it’s worth making your best friend smile.

Conversations, House, Life

Well, That Was Easy

It’s never difficult to talk her into my big ideas…

Me: Did you hear about the missile North Korea launched over Japan?

Sam: No.

Me: Well they did. Trump is going to get us killed.

Sam: Good. Maybe we won’t have to move, then.

Me: I would be Ok with the end of the world. I wouldn’t mind living off the land like in the Walking ┬áDead.

Sam: Do I get a sword?

Me: Yea.

Sam: Dude, I’m in.

Does an axe work?